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A bigger family

By on Jan 23, 2018 in Blog Posts, Cancer | 0 comments

I am sitting on “Joshua’s chair” in the corner of the lounger. Behind me the stacking doors are open trying to capture the smallest of breezes to break the summer heat. Avanthi, is talking about a memorial book for Josh and surreptitiously feeding cheese curls to Snowy who, after a rocky hair-on-his-back-standing-up introduction, has decided that he likes Avanthi after all. Prashanth and Minaav, Joshua’s best friends, are sitting to my left. I listen, with half and ear to their scathing commentary on their family and friends. In this unguarded moment they are irreverent and funny. Just the way Josh liked his friends to be. Chris-the-elder (young, hot and alleged to only cry for animals) has just agreed to not being weirded out when I stare into his eyes when I deliver my eulogy for Josh on Thursday. I will only get through it if I can avoid looking at anyone un-stoic. His wife, Tayla...

Details of Joshua’s Memorial Service

By on Jan 21, 2018 in Blog Posts, Cancer | 1 comment

Here are the details for Joshua’s memorial.

Joshua’s favourite story

By on Jan 19, 2018 in Blog Posts, Cancer | 9 comments

Yesterday I touched a dead body. I thought, “I can’t wait to tell Josh about this, he’ll be really curious”. Then I remembered it was his body.

The elephant on my chest

By on Jan 6, 2018 in Blog Posts, Cancer, Summer | 10 comments

“There’s a elephant sitting on my chest.” My words feel rushed and tangled. My tongue trips over the simplest of phrases. I’m having difficulty keeping the volume of my voice even.

This is not art and it’s not average either

By on Jan 2, 2018 in Blog Posts, Cancer | 5 comments

White hot, blistering rage charges through my blood vessels. It crystallises into glass-edged, diamond-hard glistening shards that leave my legs hot and anxious and restless. Air expands in my chest. I am puffed out and breathless at once. I lurch from my bed and twitch open the curtain.

Cancer Christmas List

By on Dec 10, 2017 in Blog Posts, Cancer, Summer | 5 comments

Here is the list of things on Joshua’s Christmas wish-list that I can fulfil A cookery book. The is the rest of his list: To finish Grade 10. To go to college. It  doesn’t have to be a fancy one. I just to know what’s like to be a student. To have a job – even a boring one that I don’t like much. To know how it feels to be in love. To be married and have a family. I want to know what it feels like to have people who depend on you, who you can’t stop caring for because you are tired or bored. To be sure that people like me and admire me because of who I am and what I’ve done not because they feel sorry for me.  ...